I cut my own hair. My Ma always took us to a barber shop. All old ass italian dudes cutting hair in their retirement. Noone ever wanted a haircut from Ralphie. I remember there would be a line out the door, Big Joe and Geno with guys in their chair, Ralphie with nothing. Ralphie: “Hey! I can fix ya up real good over here?” Man in line #1: “Im good Ralphie, waiting on Geno or Joe”….Ralphie goes and smokes another cigarette, Poor Ralphie. I even remember our local priest turning him down. “Hey fatha, I can get you in over on my chair?” “No Ralphie, I uh….Havent finished reading the Sports section, you go along and take someone else, and may god have mercy on your soul”.

Anyway, we usually got our haircuts at the barber shop. But when our hair was growing too fast and my Ma just needed to lower the ears, she took matters into her own hands. Got pretty good at it too. Yes, we all had the same haircut for 20+ years, but we were fresh! Haircut at your own house. No lines, all free, and no Ralphie. I learned that haircut for myself. High and tight fade. Ended up being the haircut of choice for the early 2000s. I was cutting everyone in towns hair for five bucks a pop. Beer money for days. Everyone looked the same.

There was a time i just wouldnt cut the back of my head. If I cant see it, who gives a shit. Turns out I was walking around with a mullet through most of 7th grade. I figured out how to use the mirror to get the back, and been cutting my hair ever since. Still got the same haircut. Once a week, always fresh. If it aint broke.

Long way to say I had a day off once. {ONCE!}1. There was a new fangled spot in town and it had the bells and whistles. Pool table, beer, whiskey, no Ralphie, I decided to check it out. I was working hospitality at the time so had like Mon Tues off. They opened at 10am and I was customer #1 and customer #only. Dude unlocks the shop. Veryyy eastern European {Russian} and looked like central casting for Eastern Promises. Full on jump suit with the zipper all the way up for the turtle neck look. Low cut fade on the sides with a lineup up front, The classic 90s black guy line up. Always a good look for a white guy! It was 10am and he asked if I wanted some whiskey. Absolutely. He said “work today?” “No, its my day off” “Well then sir…It is YOURRRRR Day!” He got to cutting. “Can I get you a beer sir” Me: umm Im good” Him: whatever you need, because it is YOURRRR Day!. Every time he asked a question, “do you want it shorter on top? Clean shave? Shake down that neighbor that doesnt pick up their dog shit?” well it is YOURRRR day!

The haircut came out like shit. They clearly gave him the 10am on Tuesday shift because he didnt know what the fuck he was doing. But if you walked into his chair on a Tuesday at 10am? And you just happened to have the day off in the middle of the week while everyone else is in their cubicle? Well sir. It is YOURRR Day! Your hair may look like shit, but it will grow back, and noone can take away the fact that youre drinking whiskey at 10am on a Tuesday, and it is YOURRR Day!