Enjoy Yourself

I did a short stint in NYC in my late 20s. I followed a girl there, it didn’t work out, happens to the best of us. But I moved there without a job, so I took the first one I found. I found a gig working at a high end wine shop on Wall Street. Literally the wine shop was on Wall Street, so yeah, I worked on Wall Street. We would open at like 8am and there would be a line at the door of coked up Wall Street dudes waiting to buy pints of kettel one. Number one selling item. High end wine shop but mainly just supplying the coked up, stressed out “brokers” trying to fulfill their Hollywood dreams of being a coked up stressed out, usually bald and chubby Wall Street man. The movies lied to you, for every Leo or Charlie Sheen, there were twenty John Candy and Chris Farleys chain smoking cigarettes. I prefer the latter anyways.

There was also this day trader dude who lived above the shop. He was always on so much blow and was not shy about it. Wouldn’t even clean the powder off his nose. Would order a bottle of Clase Azul tequila up to his apartment a few times a day and answer the door, robe open, tighty whiteys underneath and coke on the table. Always tipped well.

Anyway, my boss was a foreign guy named Bob, clearly not his real name. For months I thought he was a Mexican guy. No idea why but his accent was confusing. Turns out he was an Arab dude who disappointed his family and disgraced his religion because he just loved wine that much. I don’t mean that in a bad way, like the dude fucking LOVED wine, he KNEW wine, and could talk about it like no one I’ve ever met. He lived the life. Left his family to move to NYC, washed dishes, waited tables, lived the NYC restaurant life through the 80s and had some ridiculous stories. At one point he was managing a high end hotel in manhattan and a “can’t mention the name” Indian elite got in a fight with him because his “hooker department” was low class. So he had been through the wringer and in his older age decided to sell overpriced wine to dorks that didn’t know what to do with their money.

Dude loved life, loved wine, and always made work fun. He reminded me of a middle eastern version of old fezziwig from Scrooge. Just knew how to make work a good time and make his employees WANT to work hard for him. One of his biggest ways of making the days go by a bit faster and seem a bit less shitty, was to randomly open bottles of wine. Sometimes $15 whatever, sometimes rarities from the cellar. The whole staff would get a taste. From the guys in shirt and tie “salesmen” to the “basement guys” hanging out with the rats stocking the wine cases, to the delivery guys riding their shitty ass bikes through the streets of manhattan delivering booze to the thousands of New York hermits/boozebags who don’t leave their million dollar apartments. AKA everyone got a taste. And as he poured your glass, he would always say, in his nondescript but smooth as hell foreign accent, ENJOY yourself. Yes, sometimes you were drinking wine at noon. Sometimes it was a bottle of Chataneuf du pape or Penfolds Grange. Some of the people knew what they were drinking was special, some others were just tired and working their ass off and appreciated the pick me up. All equal, all wanting to work their ass off for the appreciation. SO, next time you pour a glass of wine, on a Tuesday at noon or a Saturday at midnight, ENJOY YOURSELF. Try to enjoy your job, tip your delivery driver, waiter, uber driver, etc. Toast to them. Toast to yourselves. We’re all working, but it doesn’t mean we can’t ENJOY OURSELVES.

it is YOUR day

I cut my own hair. My Ma always took us to a barber shop. All old ass italian dudes cutting hair in their retirement. Noone ever wanted a haircut from Ralphie. I remember there would be a line out the door, Big Joe and Geno with guys in their chair, Ralphie with nothing. Ralphie: “Hey! I can fix ya up real good over here?” Man in line #1: “Im good Ralphie, waiting on Geno or Joe”….Ralphie goes and smokes another cigarette, Poor Ralphie. I even remember our local priest turning him down. “Hey fatha, I can get you in over on my chair?” “No Ralphie, I uh….Havent finished reading the Sports section, you go along and take someone else, and may god have mercy on your soul”.

Anyway, we usually got our haircuts at the barber shop. But when our hair was growing too fast and my Ma just needed to lower the ears, she took matters into her own hands. Got pretty good at it too. Yes, we all had the same haircut for 20+ years, but we were fresh! Haircut at your own house. No lines, all free, and no Ralphie. I learned that haircut for myself. High and tight fade. Ended up being the haircut of choice for the early 2000s. I was cutting everyone in towns hair for five bucks a pop. Beer money for days. Everyone looked the same.

There was a time i just wouldnt cut the back of my head. If I cant see it, who gives a shit. Turns out I was walking around with a mullet through most of 7th grade. I figured out how to use the mirror to get the back, and been cutting my hair ever since. Still got the same haircut. Once a week, always fresh. If it aint broke.

Long way to say I had a day off once. {ONCE!}1. There was a new fangled spot in town and it had the bells and whistles. Pool table, beer, whiskey, no Ralphie, I decided to check it out. I was working hospitality at the time so had like Mon Tues off. They opened at 10am and I was customer #1 and customer #only. Dude unlocks the shop. Veryyy eastern European {Russian} and looked like central casting for Eastern Promises. Full on jump suit with the zipper all the way up for the turtle neck look. Low cut fade on the sides with a lineup up front, The classic 90s black guy line up. Always a good look for a white guy! It was 10am and he asked if I wanted some whiskey. Absolutely. He said “work today?” “No, its my day off” “Well then sir…It is YOURRRRR Day!” He got to cutting. “Can I get you a beer sir” Me: umm Im good” Him: whatever you need, because it is YOURRRR Day!. Every time he asked a question, “do you want it shorter on top? Clean shave? Shake down that neighbor that doesnt pick up their dog shit?” well it is YOURRRR day!

The haircut came out like shit. They clearly gave him the 10am on Tuesday shift because he didnt know what the fuck he was doing. But if you walked into his chair on a Tuesday at 10am? And you just happened to have the day off in the middle of the week while everyone else is in their cubicle? Well sir. It is YOURRR Day! Your hair may look like shit, but it will grow back, and noone can take away the fact that youre drinking whiskey at 10am on a Tuesday, and it is YOURRR Day!

what are we listening to?

music is the most beautiful form of art that there is. I love food. I love movies. I love writing/painting/anyformofexpression…. but music? its pure. very unattainable if its not natural. most things you can learn. music is straight from the heart. so lets see what we’re listening to….

I don’t like being put in a box. I love music of all shapes and sizes. from angry punk, to soothing acoustic, or hype up hip hop. every emotion calls for an equal form of rhythm. my music changes with the seasons/moods/minute. heres what I’m listening to now….

this will be an ongoing blog which ill add different music weekly/daily/when I feel like it

Justin Townes Earle.

this guy writes songs straight from the soul. blues, country, folk. you could be hanging out on the back porch, drinking some whiskey, or contemplating your place in the universe. this guy covers it all. for beginners, listen to Harlem river blues, I aint waitin, the good life, one more night in Brooklyn, lone pine hill, and if you want to shed a tear, mommas eyes.( your welcome). from there you can delve deeper into his awesome catalog. enjoy.

what are you eating?

what the fuck is that? put it down man.

I love to eat. I mean I love it. food is amazing. food is maybe the best thing. which is why you should always eat the best thing. don’t shove shit down your throat. food is way too good to neglect yourself from, you just need to know what your eating….

the French, the Italians…they know EXACTLY what they’re doing. its not about quantity, its about quality. the best food is made from the best. READ LABELS. and stick to portions. you do not need an entire cake. but a slice? of cake thats made from 5 simple ingredients? the best cake is still made from pure ingredients. eggs, flower, cane sugar, milk. these are all good things. shhit, my mom used to feed us cake for breakfast. eggs? check. milk? check. natural carbs? check. keep it natural. keep it simple. and do it yourself. cake bought from the grocery store? no Bueno. do it yourself, homemade shit? enjoy yourself. but again. do it yourself. no premade batter, no premade frosting. nothing. you need to work for your dessert. and it will all pay off in the end.

this doesn’t just go for dessert. eat natural. cook your own foods. you can eat pasta. you can eat potatoes, not the weird powdered ones in a bag, but real potatoes. do it yourself. its good for you. take out some stress mashing your own mashed potatoes. when you learn how to cook for yourself, a whole new world opens up. you can eat things that are usually deemed, “bad for you” but your putting in the work, and your using the exact ingredients our ancestors used, who were all in great shape I may add. cut out the processed shit, cut out the fast food, cook for yourself. you’ll save yourself, and you’ll feel much better.

at the same time, shitty food has become apart of our culture, and sometimes you just need some mcdonalds. treat yourself once in a while. but appreciate it. I’m always going to want some Taco Bell at 1am. if I’m visiting a place that has some supreme drive through that I can’t always get, well I’m getting it(shake shack, whataburger, in N out). I mean, don’t be a complete loser. sometimes fast food is the only thing that will do. just don’t make it your DAILY CONSUMPTION.

well I think you’re an asshole

lets talk about assholes…

no, not the kind that emit shit, but the human being kind, the ones walking among us. they’re everywhere. look to your left. now look to your right. assholes. assholes everywhere.

if you don’t say thank you/bark out orders to your waiter/tip like shit. you are an asshole. and you don’t deserve the service being given to you.

if you don’t hold a door for an old lady that may look like my mother or your mother, then your an asshole.

if you talk way too loudly, about shit that has nothing to do with the people around you, but you think its so important that everyone should hear. you sir, are an asshole.

and if you talk loudly, thinking your spewing hilarious banter, but only disrupting every person within your earshot, then yes, you are a huge, gaping, asshole.

your not fun, your not FUNny, your most likely just a boring deadbeat like the rest of us. so keep it to yourself. if you think your so important that everyone should hear what your saying, so you speak at a higher octave than the rest of the human beings around you. then yes, you are most likely an asshole. so, hey asshole, keep it to yourself. your not interesting, your not funny, and no-one gives a shit that its your day off and your “letting loose”. Asshole.

are sports fans the new nerds?

march madness was just over a month ago. the masters a couple weeks back. Kentucky derby coming up this week, and we’re right in the middle of NHL and NBA playoffs. I walk into work, grab a beer at my local drinking establishment, or just parusing the local shopping mall/Main Street, and what do I hear? well nothing much about the aforementioned sports activities. ALL the talk is avengers and game of thrones. don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me some GOT and avengers. there opening night for avengers, read all the conspiracies and theories online for GOT. HUGE lord of the rings guy. I’m even one of those “yeah well I read the book” people. I’ll watch all the Star Wars and consume most of everything else in “nerd culture” etc etc. I got nothing wrong with it. whats the main difference to me? the people that love sports now? nerds. geeks, dorks, dweebs, even poindecksters. pulling their spreadsheets out. talking about percentages and opponents win above replacement or whatever. what happened to the day you could just say “hey buddy! youuuu suck!” and get 10 high fives without some pencil pusher telling you, “well, technically his wins above replacement is yada yada yada, SHUT UP!”

gone are the days of watching for sacks, dunks, and dingers, gone are the days of telling someone they suck with no basis to back it up, gone are the days of calling it as you see it; its time to make a stand. keep fantasy to wizards and dragons and away from sports. next thing you know some jacked guy in a captain America shirt is gonna be swirlying some four eye pimple popper with his baseball cap pulled over his spectacles and his notebook in hand of sports statistics. its bizarro world, the roles have been reversed. billy bean and Jonah hill have ruined everything. yes, ill be watching thrones this weekend, yes ill be catching avengers for the 2nd (3rd?) time this week, and yes ill be watching every playoff NHL and NBA game with a beer in my hand this week, getting ready to drop a few bucks on the derby with a glass of bourbon on Saturday. and no I won’t be crunching numbers on how to win my fantasy sports league with my “internet friends” that I’ve never met.

game of thrones, I love you but…

the two endings that should have happened…

Ill start this with saying i just watched episode 3. if things turn out different and awesome in the final 3 episodes i retract this statement.

What the fuck was that. What should have happened is either A. Jon figured it out all along, that BRAN is the night king, and in his last battle, he had to make his way to bran and in an emotional scene, kill his own brother to end the battle, or something of that sorts.

The only other option, and probably better option, would be a long fought out battle, no night king in sight. we think our heroes are dead but at the last minute we win etc etc etc. but theres been no sign of the night king. Why you ask? Because he’s on his way to kings landing to murder the shit out of cersi. We’ve been watching this night king/white walker thing since episode 1(one). and your gonna tell me arya just kills him and game over? Oh no no no. Theres got to be something more. Imagine everybody at winter fell thinking the day is won, but then they say, oh shit wheres the night king and his ice dragon at? Well it was a diversion and he’s on his way to wipe out cersi and take over the whole damn world.

So, game of thrones, ill put this on you. you have three(3) more episodes to make this shit worth our while. I don’t even know what i was doing back in 2011, it probably wasn’t good, but I’ve been watching you since then. You better make it worth my time spent, or ill probably not do anything at all and just wait until stranger things season 3 comes out and most likely be disappointed by that too. You hear me? Balls in your court.

Tiger woods tells son to eat his dust after winning the masters

Michael jordan, tom Brady, bobby fisher….tiger woods. all men who have dominated their given sport. All men who have an extra competitive bone that us mere mortals don’t possess. it doesn’t matter if your Charles barkley, roger goodell, Boris Spassky, Phil mckellson, or 10 year old charlie; These men want to dominate you. case in point…

the first time earl woods hugged his son eldrick

the last time eldrick will hug his son Charlie.

you see this right here?

this is the face of a man that realized he just made a huge mistake. do you think this kid is going to grow to be a champion? After that display of affection? no no no. we need to assert dominance how and now. life isn’t candy canes and gumdrops kid. nice knowin ya. Burn dust. eat my rubber.

im back.

do you really wanna drink that??

what goes into the drink you drink? The booze. the water. the juice. and even…the ice cubes?

the cocktail is a special thing. mainly because for the most part you cant find one for under 12 bucks that lives up to the cost. if I’m paying 12 bucks for a drink it better either get me very wasted, very fast, or be damn good, and also get me somewhat wasted, somewhat fast. if your bartender is using some minute maid, from the can, or pre maid bullshit, and then charging you 10 bucks for that margharita, you have every right to drink that shit, and walk out. But tip your bartender, its not their fault the owner is a douchbag.

Ice machines. Store ice for what seems like centuries. Never getting quite freezing enough to freeze things, but just cold enough so ice wont melt completely. You know what thats the perfect storm for? a bunch of shit growing inside of every ice machine across America. i have no solution for this, and to be honest i just drink up anyway, knowing there is so much shit inside of all of my iced drinks that i don’t even care anymore. helps build the immune system i guess. i just wanted to ruin ice for you.

How about wine? Ill give you one tip for ordering wine in a restaurant, if your going to over pay for wine, atleast buy the bottle. wine is the most overpriced thing you could get in a restaurant. usually a 33% markup. So…a bottle that goes for 10 bucks in the liquor store? You know, the one you might buy on a monday just to make the start of the week a little less shitty, but certainly aren’t treating yourself? Yeah, that bottle. that will run you about 30 bucks in a restaurant. and an even worse markup for the glass. so first, i would say bypass the wine, and just go for the martini. But if you definitely need some wine. BUY THE BOTTLE. not only is it a bang for your buck. but atlas you’ll be drinking a freshly opened bottle, and not some swill thats been sitting around for a week. you ever think of what restaurants do with wine once its opened? you get a glass, thats coming from a bottle that has already been opened. if that wine hasn’t been ordered recently, it may have been sitting there for days, waiting for the poor schmuck like you to order a glass. so in the end your not only paying a crazy markup for your perfectly measured out 8 oz pour. but your paying for your perfectly measured out 8 oz pour and not a drop more, of some stale ass wine thats been waiting around for some asshole to choose it like yourself. Enjoy your week old glass of cabernet that you could have paid the same price for a bottle at your local corner store with the cork still in.

what about those long rubber tubes that transport your beer from a cellar that may be feet away, or may be a mile away? What. Are. You. Drinking. I’ve made it a rule that i wont drink draught beer anymore. you ever think of that? Beer, which contains sugar, and water, and yeast, all things that are prime for growing…”things” being transported through long rubber hoses, in the dark, that may never get replaced or even cleaned. never mind the faucets that the beer is coming out of. one side of me says fuck it. when I’m putting a few back, who gives a shit where its coming from. I’ve consumed much worse as a young man playing beer pong in questionable basements. Much. much worse. but I’m not as young as i used to be, and quite frankly, I’ve developed standards. and some of those standards don’t want a months worth of mold infused in my Belgian triple. Shit, i don’t want mold in my Budweiser either, even if it may enhance the flavor. so keep an eye out. does it look like your bartender knows what the fuck they’re doing? does it take them 5 trys to get one glass of decently poured beer? does it look like they wash their hands? is there lipstick around the rim of that glass? is there things growing inside of the toilet bowl of that establishment? chances are, if the toilet bowls look like shit, then your probably drinking shit as well. all plumbing leads to the same place or however that saying goes. So watch it. you may be having a floater in your next IPA. my suggestion. stick with the bottles and cans, or buy a bartending book and make your own cocktails at home. or get wasted enough where you just don’t give a shit. all good ideas. CHEERS, SLAINTE, SALUTI, PROST!

lets go to the movies

going to the movies

I like going to the movies alone.

these days thats not exactly a hot take, a lot of people have jumped on the solo movie experience. grab any seat thats open. if its not a packed house you can find some room to put your feet up, and a couple empty seats next to you to spread your arms out. its like being at your own home theatre. not just that, but being in the hospitality industry, mid week is your weekend. nothing better than grabbing a matinee on a Tuesday and being the only soul in the theatre. Literally grab the dead center seat and set up shop.

my keys to the ultimate theatre experience.

as i mentioned above, the middle of the week, early afternoon showing is the best, but if your schedule doesn’t allow this, i always try to grab the seat right next to the exit. Usually that row is held for handicap seats, with a couple “normal?” seats on the out side. grab one of these seats. chances are theres not going to be any handicapped people in the theatre so you basically have the row to yourself. also you have a quick getaway in case you need to take a quick piss, and to get out of the theatre ASAP when the movies over. also, theres no rows in front of you since they need room for the wheelchairs, so feel free to spread outtt. lap of luxury right there. its basically like taking the handicapped stall in a public bathroom. you take your chances. usually the odds are in your favor and you get the primo shitting/movie going experience.

I also used to be the guy that would show up literally 10 minutes before showtime, knowing damn well there was 15 min of previews, but I just don’t like being rushed. i still don’t like being rushed, but every minute is essential now. Ive finally come to terms that all previews really are 15 min, and the trailers all really do start at the technical showtime. I used to think, yeah i know there will probably be move trailers right at the start, but what if i picked the one movie that actually starts at its actual showtime? its not worth the risk. but now i know, there is always some leeway. not only that but my bladder just isn’t what it used to be. i used to be able to do the lord of the rings trilogy straight through and not even smell a bathroom, but now? 2 and half hrs is about my breaking point. which pretty much gets me to always having to really piss at the climax of every movie. the closer i can get to the actual start time, the closer ill get to actually watching the ending of a movie without having to sprint to the bathroom once credits roll.

Nevermind the fact that all trailers are online months before they’re in theaters nowadays anyway. I remember going to the movies and seeing trailers for movies that I had no idea were even being made. “holy shit, theres a new batman coming out? and he’s fighting fucking mr. freeze/arnold Schwarzenegger? This movie is gonna rule.” that doesn’t happen anymore. with the internet, you know every detail, of every movie coming out within the next 5 years, nevermind the next 5 months. Darned internet.

Snacks…

I keep it simple for the most part, coke(the soda), popcorn, candy, and some booze. the fill it yourself theaters are always the best. most theaters have gone this way, but theres still a few that don’t put your beverage choices in your own hands. I don’t like straight coke, but also not a fan of straight diet/zero either (coke zero is the only option when going the no sugar direction) I like to go mostly coke zero and splash in some classic on top. not loading up on sugar but the taste is damn near exact. i tried explaining this to some teenager working part time at a place that doesn’t let you fill your own and the kids head nearly exploded. no doubt that kid will be working here well past high school graduation.

Popcorn is the same idea. if they make it for you, its all butter on top, and once you get past the first layer its the pits. apply your own butter with a nice top layer, and then stick a straw through the center to evenly disperse your butter. Candy is a sneak in snack. back in the day i tried sneaking everything in. i would show up looking 30 pounds heavier than i actually am. Bags of chips under my shirt. Soda bottles popping out of my pockets. busting at the seems with candy. i thought i was real slick. now i realize that most movie theatre workers are minimum wage employees that couldn’t care less. but it gave me a rush. you never knew when the pat down was coming to stop you from sneaking in your cheezeits that have been reduced to dust in your back pocket. Never mind if you smoked a bowl before hand. I would be so paranoid that the swat team was going to swarm any minute on me trying to sneak in with some airheads and mountain dew. but these days i can afford the popcorn and coke even at the ridiculous costs(better believe it), and just choose to sneak in my candy. usually sour patch kids, Swedish fish, and occasionally some milk duds or reeses. i may never have milk duds at any other point in my life but something about the movies just fits. Buttery salty popcorn, sour…sour patch kids, sweet…swedish fish, and milky…milk duds. Perfect combo.

I also always bring in a flask of booze, (yeah thats right). I used to go with an assortment of nips(airplane size bottles) but i finally came around to getting a flask which just makes it a lot easier. this also brings into question, are you automatically labeled an alcoholic if you own and actually use a flask and not just a novelty one that you got for being in a wedding party? I actually ended up getting said novelty flask for being in a wedding party, i still use the free one i got from a marked down Christmas package of Jim beam. A liter of shitty whiskey but with two rocks glasses and a flask thrown in? a good deal is a good deal.

SO…we have snakcs, we have the perfect seat for luxury/.a quick getaway. we have the booze. We’re in prime shape for some happy viewing.

Ive also stopped smoking weed before movies. Not just the added pressure of walking through a packed theatre/trying to find your seat etc etc. but I like weed when watching something like planet earth, or if I’m watching a movie for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or even 5th time. On first viewing i somewhat want all my senses. The last movie i went to high, i ended up focusing on something so irrelevant within the first 5 minutes of the movie, i finally came to 45 mins in and had no idea what was going on. the color of the main characters shirt reminded me of an old sweater i once had, which reminded me of the day i got that sweater, which made me think of where that sweater is now, which made me think…what happens to old clothes that get lost? like, i know i put that sweater in the wash. i know it didn’t come back out of the dryer. I’ve come to terms with the fact ill never see that sweater again. but…what is that sweater doing right at this moment. where in this universe is that sweater? which sent me down a rabbit hole that had no escaping. its like clicking on hyper links on wikipedia at 9pm and finally getting to bed by 4am with a vast knowledge of useless information that you’ll forget about in the morning. so in turn, i stay off the weed at movies i actually want to pay attention to.

Enjoy the show